The Passion of the Muppet: Our Lord and Saviour Elmo

Animal, the unhinged drummer from Electric Mayhem, has been missing for several weeks – see here for the initial investigation. After the ill-fated dinner party at Wong’s Palace, the ominous signs of beer turning into blood and fortunes foretelling betrayals within the group led to the blackout and the taking of Animal.

After being missing for several weeks, his bandmates, friends and devoted followers were looking for him high and low. Many posters of their lost companion were plastered in the most inconceivable places you can think: over walls, in bathroom stalls, in seedy bathroom stalls, at the regular clubs they’re thrown out of…

Sadly, his disappearance remained static for a long time, much to the heavy hearts of his friends and fans alike. If we're honest, it’s not surprising, as everyone was too hammered to do anything to find the caveman. They figured he was probably lying around in some gnarly ditch, covered in lacerations.

The notorious Kermit the Frog was found hanging inside a closet in a sleazy motel as he couldn’t live with the guilt of prosecuting the wild-haired messiah.

Animal was strung up on a silver hanger, like a scarecrow, in a shabby Salvation Army. He was completely flushed of his stuffing, his bulbous eyes popping out with ping pong balls.

It was learned that the assailants who had taken Animal were a cult-like group of frogs clad in black hoods. They spent several weeks torturing him, which involved making him go through an atrocious drug withdrawal, depriving him of his rags and shaving his head. Animal was broken down to his former childish self with the high-pitched voice, Elmo.

The frogs clad in black threw his limp body in front of a Salvation Army. The workers, who had mistaken his body as a costume, had him tagged as 50 per cent off because he was a little worn to wear (even to the store standards.)

But there is hope – his band was able to scrape up enough money to re-purchase him and have him rehabilitated.

Chris Joyal

A nineteen year old unhealthily obsessed with Hannibal memes and anything darkly humorous. Or any stupid pun that my little brain capacity can comprehend. Often called a cave-dweller or ghost by known relatives, and probably a few classmates as well, because of my rare sightings and frequent disappearances, like Big Foot, or the Loch Ness Monster.