Winged Zombies are Loose in JeruZalem – Everybody Stay Calm!

Jerusalem at night

From Unsplash.com

I’ve been to Jerusalem. Twice. Both times for several days.

I got up close and personal with almost every landmark you can think of. 

Temple mount: check.

Wailing wall: check.

The Via Dolorosa: check. 

Mount of Olives: check.

Garden of Gethsemane: check.

Hell, I even snuck into the King David Hotel to swim in their pool. When asked, I told security my room number, which was in fact across the street at the Y, but how were they supposed to know that? They shrugged and let me in. 

Funny thing about Jerusalem: the media never gets it right. A few days into my first trip, our tour guide, a renowned Israeli archaeologist, warned us that the next day we’d hear alarms and shouldn’t panic. The state had just announced a military drill testing some of their early warning systems. 

The next day came and went. I think it was one of my favourites of the whole trip. We ate the best shawarma I’ve ever had and later, while walking down the street, a man came out of his restaurant built into an old Roman arch and offered us fresh falafels served off a shiny silver platter. They were still steaming and the oils dripped down my chin as I downed two without pause. I’m not a vegetarian, but damn were those falafels good.

That night I got a call from my mom. She was worried sick. The news was saying there’d been an attack, details were still incoming, and alarms were going off all over the state. 

I turned on CNN. Sure enough, the anchors were in full panic. They showed a reporter standing in front of a blurred image with beige rocks and a tree or two that was supposed to be Jerusalem. I swear it was a printout. And they never gave more details or showed any images from an attack.

One possibility: my tour guide is a terrorist mastermind and I’m lucky to be alive. Makes for a better story. It’s also bullshit.

I’ve only encountered such garbage misrepresentation of Jerusalem in the media once since then.

This week’s found footage horror recommendation: JeruZalem.

A basilica church with a winged demon perched on the roof, surrounded by a burning city

From Cinematerial.com

Yes, the capital Z is intended. With a title like that, I should have gone in with lower standards.

And yet here I am, still recommending it, because it’s the epitome of “so bad I had to watch it three times” movies. 

JeruZalem has some great horror sequences, and it isn’t just zombies. They tie in scattered references from the Hadith, the Talmud, and the Old Testament to deliver a full apocalyptic invasion of Jerusalem by winged animated corpses and evil giants. It’s a wild ride.

But in every other way that counts, this movie is so bad it hurts. 

The dialogue is strained and terrible right from the start. I despise the main characters. The lead actress wears “smart glasses” with campy overlays and distracting interruptions, but what better way to justify a continuous stream of her Jerusalem trip? 

And like every bad found footage flick, there’s always a fake expert. JeruZalem introduces us to Kevin, an anthropology student with all the answers. I stopped giving a rip about him after he delivered the film’s absolute worst line. He mentions something he read in the Bible. One of the characters asks, “Which one?” And Kevin responds, “All of them!” 

Umm, what?

He’s also party to the movie’s awkward sex scene, which we watch through the smart glasses on the nightstand while the girl’s father sends her worried texts including this gem: “Are you still daddy’s sweet little girl?”

Cringe.

And while this last one will slip past most viewers, I was embarrassed on the producers’ behalf by this particular error. Early in the film, characters tell us a recently killed woman who’s returned from the dead was buried near Golgotha.

You know, the hill where Jesus died. 

Except there are two possible spots we think Golgotha, “place of the skull,” might have been. The Catholics built the Holy Sepulchre over the first spot, which in ancient times was beyond the city walls but today is well within the bustling streets. And the Protestants found a garden tomb next to a hill that to this day looks like it has a skull staring back at you out of the rocks. It’s also a freaking bus stop and has been for decades. 

So where’s this lady supposed to have been buried. What, did the writers read the name Golgotha in the Bible and think “Hey, that sounds cool!”

Gimme a break.  


Tim McKay - Tim studied theology and worked as a pastor before leaving it all behind, making him the perfect cliche apostate from every religious horror flick.

Found Footage is Terrible

I love found-footage horror. 

I know—you expected me to rant about the genre’s flaws. Don’t worry. That’s coming. But I need you to know up front that this tirade comes from a genuine fan. Maybe you’ll come to appreciate these movies as much as I do.

First, a few caveats: I hated the Blair Witch Project. I found it boring. Tell me how wrong I am below in the comments, which I’ll definitely read. I promise. 

Next caveat: I’m going to skip a few gems of the genre to draw attention to films I’m guessing you haven’t seen. So be sure to watch the Paranormal Activity franchise and Cloverfield on your own time. As an aside on Cloverfield, I must admit I preferred either sequel to the original. I thought the move away from found-footage was the right call.

Have you seen As Above, So Below? If not, get out. You can read a great review here and watch it immediately. It’s one of the best found-footage horror flicks ever made. 

In my last post I brought up my love of religious horror. As you can imagine, religious found-footage horror is my kryptonite, and in my next post I’ll introduce you to two of my favourites. Stay tuned!

For now, let me introduce you to three horrible but irresistible found footage masterpieces. Each is so bad in its own way it comes around full circle and enters the realm of art. 

The Dinosaur Project (2012)

From CineMaterial.com

The line between thriller and horror is often blurry, and The Dinosaur Project falls on both sides. Picture a low-budget Jurassic Park. 

When I say low budget, I mean excruciating. Found footage can get away with just about anything. Don’t expect Jurassic Park CGI. Some of the dinosaurs look great, but any I really wanted a good look at are only shown for a few split seconds with classic found footage blurring and shaky cameras.

The dialogue is painfully dull. The main characters, a father and son, have a strained, awkward relationship. Found footage more than any other genre likes to exaggerate character baggage. Every conversation is loaded and forced as if that’s somehow more like real life than normal movies. And the only character who verges on stability gets eaten first. 

I can only recommend this movie because I’ve watched it so many times. I can’t explain why. Once you watch it, you’ll be hooked. It’s terrible. 

From CineMaterial.com

The Pyramid (2014)

At least it’s better than The Pyramid. 

A solid thirty minutes of The Pyramid is dedicated to reminding us that found footage writers are dramatic people. This movie has endless drama, and the awkward dialogue puts The Dinosaur Project to shame. By the time the action starts, I’m begging the Egyptian gods to kill everyone. 

Oh, and every bad decision in a found-footage horror flick can be traced back to daddy issues. That’s a trope you can bank on.

Another found footage trope is the fake expert. These characters claim to have dedicated their lives to Egyptian archaeology, but I knew more than them on the subject in first grade. 

Lucky for us, The Pyramid delivers on horror. People die in all kinds of gruesome ways, from booby traps to ravenous jackals. And wait until you see what the god of death looks like up close. 

Chronicle (2012)

From CineMaterial.com

And finally, there’s Chronicle. More thriller than horror, this teen superpower found-footage flick is full of dark turns. 

Chronicle follows three teens who find crystals in a cave and come out with telekinesis.

Again, the dialogue’s crap, but for the most part I found Chronicle believable. And the characters have baggage I can believe too. In similar circumstances, I might become a murderous supervillain. 

Before things get that dark, there are some hilarious scenes of teen guys doing exactly what teen guys would do if they were given powers. That includes pranks and playing sky football.

My favourite trope in this one is that several characters in the movie are obsessed with filming things for no particular reason. How else could the proverbial “finder of the footage” ever piece together so many tidbits from everyday life no one else in their right mind would film?

That said, Chronicle is my favourite in the genre. It makes me want to rethink my title, even if most found footage is so bad I watch more from morbid curiosity. 

If you check these three out, let me know what you think below.


Tim McKay - Tim studied theology and worked as a pastor before leaving it all behind, making him the perfect cliche apostate from every religious horror flick.