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A distant red, blowing gently,

 ‘Notice me’ it calls.

‘Not yet’ I respond.

A flash of crimson, waving in the wind.

I feel another blow to my chest.

‘Notice me’ it cries.

‘I can’t’ I mumble.

I suck in, trying to ignore the pain.

It is strong,

It is deep,

And it cuts to the bone.

‘Notice me’ it screams over the wind,

Murderously raging.

I ignore it.

Time and time again.

‘Notice me, notice me, notice me.’

I look away.

Fading to a quiet thrum in the back of my mind.

So, I take the punches, the proofs, and the pain.

And I hide it behind a smile,

Behind laughter,

And behind fake love.

I should’ve noticed them

I shouldn’t have ignored them.

‘Notice me.’ The last murmur.

‘It’s too late.’ A broken whisper is all that is left.

And so, the tattered and torn flag still waves,

Red.

---

Esther Jager

Esther Jager is a huge bookworm and is always thinking of her next place to travel to!

depresso with your espresso: a collection of depressing poetry to read with your morning coffee

I. Heaviness

Does it ever keep you up at night?
Or does it strike you when you expect it least
Consuming your every thought
Pulling you down like a ball and chain
Tied to my ankle while you watch me drown
In a glass tank of my own design.

I think I know the answer,
And though I know that I cannot assume
And that there is nothing in the universe that could allow me to crawl into your beautiful mind
I believe that I am an anvil and you are a feather.

I am weighed down by reality;
You are disheartened by my lack of interest in your latest craze,
And I am consumed by the weight of knowing that maybe I am yours,
But you could never be mine.

I feel it in the weight in my chest when you tell me that your mother is disgusted by our "love,"
And question why I sit paralyzed in the car for what feels like a lifetime
While everyone else has gone in to see you.

You don't want me to be afraid.
In reality it is not fear, but melancholy.

Because what is love without a family?
Awkward meetings, yes
Thanksgivings and Christmas dinner
But it is not being weighed down
By nightmares of your mother looking at m
With rage and utter disgust in her eyes.

And it is not the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm told to
"Keep a low profile,"
Or be silent so you can pretend I'm not there when she calls
And wait in silence as you feel nothing
And I feel everything.

So you love me.
I love you too.
I guess, because if I didn't it wouldn't kill me inside
To know that I can never be a part of your life
At least, not fully,
Not in the way that I want to be,
So that your home is mine and mine is yours,
Not in a physical sense, but emotional
Because you are my home
But it is a broken home
With floorboards that creak
And shattered picture frames of perfection.

I suppose I am just an old-fashioned woman
Even though nothing about our love is "old-fashioned.

These are the thoughts that burden me
Every waking moment,
In every "I miss you,"
"I love you,"
"I love you too."
Because "I miss you" is better than being kept from you,
Because "I love you" is spoken behind closed doors
Because my response is spoken with my head hanging lo
And my tail between my legs.

I know you're what feels right
But how can I know what "right" feels like
If it's something I've never known?

II.  Frozen

Submersed in darkness, 
She stands idle, 
Icebound in December air. 

Around her, 
A blistering wind whispers 
Arduous reminders of her many regrets. 

There are no tears here, 
Merely numbness 
As merry memories 
Turn to those of torment, 
And poisonous words wound her 
With a dagger doused in remorse. 

She is lost, 
Forsaken in the tempest 
Of her own creation, 
And the one she once called companion 
Is the catalyst in her destruction. 

To her dismay, 
What feels like the final blow 
Is merely the preface 
Of the long road  
Of aftermath ahead.

III. Closure

I’ve got a problem with closure.
It’s the thought of
Not knowing
Always wondering
Forever overthinking
“What did I do wrong?”

I just wanted communication.
Instead, you gave me
Not answering
Never speaking
Leaving me with feelings
Of regret.

I’ll never know why. 
You’ll never tell me
Why you did this
What I did to deserve this
What I could have done
To change this.

Please, just give me closure.
Let me know why
Whenever you pass by
I can’t breathe and 
I can’t move and
I can’t think, and—

But you won’t,
Because you 
Haven’t thought of me in years and
I’ve thought about you every day.

IV. Numb

When someone dies
People cry
Wonder why
But i’ll have to lie.

While you can’t deal
Or try to heal
I can’t conceal
That I can’t feel.

What hurts for some
Or makes you glum
To these emotions
I am numb.

---

Kira Frazer

The 30 rats in a trench coat that form the entity known as Kira Frazer emerged from the sewers on Halloween of ‘97, and have been wreaking havoc upon humanity ever since. She hopes to be the first rat-formed-entity to get a college diploma.

Frozen

Frozen in fear of the thought of losing you.

Snapshot moment kept forever, lasting forever.

Dreams come so quick, but nightmares are timeless.

Like frozen water on the ground, I fell for you.

I stood myself up, I brushed myself off, I healed the cuts leftover.

I let ice form around me, to protect me, I’m only me.

Me, me, me, me, memory, memorize.

The script so I don’t freeze when people ask.

“Are you okay?”, I’m ok, I’M FINE.

I don’t know why they ask; I don’t know why I answer.

Nothing ever happened, you made sure of that.

Stopped it, froze it, crushed it.

“What is it?” you ask.

It’s my heart, my soul, my pain, the cold.

It’s all I’ve ever known.

---

Kurt Thuot

Kurt is a 24-year-old author who may or may not be a hopeless romantic. He likes long walks on the beach at sunset and pina-coladas in the rain. He also likes cliches. While Kurt may not call himself a poet, he does believe in speaking from the heart.