Review: The Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?
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courtesy of alien8 recordings
Alden Penner and Nicholas Thorburn’s band The Unicorns evaporated in 2004. Yet listening to their album Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? 20 years after its release is as cathartic and enjoyable as ever.
In an era where music is designed with Spotify’s algorithm in mind, The Unicorns’ total disregard for traditional song structure is refreshing. A lot of the songs on this record are formless, constantly switching tempo and style, resulting in tracks that sound like several different pieces stitched together. Some cuts here are languid and contemplative. Others make some real noise, like “Tuff Ghost” which is tight, catchy, and machine-like.
Whether the song you’re listening to is slow or upbeat, the lyrics have a way of catching you off guard. At times they’re silly, matching Mark Lawson’s production, which bursts with laser beams and recorder solos. Other times they strike you with their staggering seriousness. The album opens with “I Don’t Wanna Die,” a song about the fear of that inevitable fade-to-black. It’s on this track that vocalist Alden Penner spirals, “I see it now, I die in a car on tour/And there’s no one to stop this.”
But Penner doesn’t sulk on every tack. On “Jellybones,” he plays a doctor who diagnoses his patient as having bones made of jelly, “Son, you’ve got a full-blown case.” On “I Was Born (A Unicorn),” he and Thorburn argue about who should lead the band, “I write the songs (I write the songs!)/You say I’m doing it wrong (You are doing it wrong!).”
Of course, The Unicorns can do more than craft clever lyrics. Penner and Thorburn are talented musicians, and they show that off a lot on this album. “Sea Ghost” and “I Was Born (A Unicorn)” both feature complex guitar riffs that glue the songs’ different sections together. “Ghost Mountain” displays the group’s aptitude for the synthesizer which, when paired with Penner’s whining vocals, creates a soundscape that swallows you whole.
“The Clap,” the best song on the record, is barely a minute and a half and resembles classics from the early punk scene. The driving guitar riff propels the track forward. Penner’s screeching performance makes you want to scream the lyrics back at him.
Image courtesy of constellation records
“Les Os” is another standout on the album. Over chugging guitars and quick drums, Penner whisper-sings, “Tell me about your love affairs/I want to know all the lurid details.” The first half of the song is incredibly easy to listen to. If they had cut it there, I’m sure it would have been played on every college station in 2003. But a minute in, the composition shifts and slows down completely. Creeping guitars blend into Penner’s voice as he cries, “I want to die today/And make love with you in my grave.” Eventually, the track speeds up again, a crescendo of wicked noise, before ending abruptly.
Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? closes with “Ready to Die.” The chords on this track are bright, and Penner swaps his signature vocal strain for something smoother, a father reciting a lullaby. “I’m ready to die/I’m ready to die,” he repeats. The same guy from the beginning of the album is a little older and a little wiser on this cut. He knows life can’t go on forever. That’s what makes it so special. The last lines on the album feel like a weighted blanket being thrown over your chest, “I’ve seen the world, kissed all the pretty girls/I’ve said my goodbyes and now I’m ready to die.”
Unfortunately, The Unicorns never made another album, and a brief reunion in 2014 only resulted in the release of a few tracks that were scrapped from Who Will Cut Our Hair way back when. Give this record a listen and maybe that fact will crush you like it did me.
Will is a second year Professional Writing student at Algonquin College. He likes to write about obscure punk bands for street cred, but his most listened to artist on Spotify is Doja Cat. So what? He likes to dance. He’s also quite defensive.
