Relationships After Being in the Closet
/
What do you think of when you hear closet?
Scary monster? Hoarded mess? Too many clothes even when you only wear the same two shirts and that one pair of pants that make your butt look great? How about coming out?
How about the detrimental effects on adult relationships?
Being in the closet while in your adolescence can cause issues to creep up on you like the skeletons in there with you. One of those issues is an inability to navigate adult relationships successfully. While there are many other issues that can cause this inability, I think that it’s a lack of experience that can really hurt you.
I’m no psychologist, but I am speaking from experience or lack thereof.
Growing up I went through the rainbow of sexualities, pun intended. I didn’t realize that waiting as long as I did to come out that I would struggle even more later on. I came out at 15, but that doesn’t mean I was honest with myself. So did I really come out?
While my friends were getting into relationships left and right, I was still at the starting line, wondering if I was going to take route A or route B wondering, am I gay? Am I gay enough? Should I go back to being straight?
While all my friends were learning how to communicate with a partner in a relationship and how to have sex, I was learning how to be honest with myself.
This led to the fact that I am currently afraid to be in a relationship. There is so much anxiety because at this point I don’t even know what I do and don’t know.
Do I even know how to kiss? How do you prepare for sex? How do you communicate? How do you navigate having to think about someone else in your life? How do you accept small affections, like holding hands, without reacting like a 10-year-old girl at a One Direction concert?
There are so many things that you just have to learn from experience.
This sounds very woe is me, but this is my advice:
Learn to be okay with being alone.
This sounds harsh, but you can have a fulfilling life without a relationship. Once you accept being independent, it kinda leaves your mind and being in a relationship doesn’t consume your every waking thought. There’s a freedom to let yourself enjoy solitude. You even appreciate yourself more, not just time spent with yourself, but yourself as a whole. It helps you appreciate being with friends, family and partaking in group events. In those moments you’re not alone, so don’t make yourself lonely.
Be honest with any potential partners.
There’s a certain danger in not communicating. They won’t know that you are going to struggle with certain aspects and that can cause problems down the road. Like the fact that you are accustomed to being alone. Or the fact that you don’t know how to ask or offer affection. Be prepared to explain it to them, if they're worth your love and time, they’ll understand.
Finally, I think the biggest thing is to ACCEPT LOVE.
Don’t let yourself believe you are unlovable. Don’t let someone get away because you spend too much time overthinking poisonous thoughts. It’s easy to find yourself regretting every one you pushed away because you were scared of love. There’s a fine line between a fear and a phobia. Don’t let your anxiety overcome you.
YOU CAN BE LOVED.
Kurt is a second-year student at Algonquin College. At 24, he aspires to be many things, but most notably, not broke. He likes long walks on the beach at sunset and pina-coladas in the rain. He also like cliches, puns and bad jokes. In reality he hopes to be an editor, or do anything working with books.
