It’s beautiful. It’s scary. It’s wonderful. It’s confusing.

It’s exciting, magical, heartbreaking, earth-shattering and sometimes it’s really messy… especially if you’re doing it right! It’s how we all got here and one of the best things about being here: it’s SEX.

As wonderful and beautiful as sex can be, it also has the potential to be very difficult and even traumatic. In my 32 years of being alive, I have had my fair share of both beautiful and not so beautiful sexual experiences and I want to share some of the knowledge I’ve acquired.

I won’t be focusing on sexual trauma, except to say that if you have experienced any form of sexual assault or abuse the best thing you can do is open up to someone you love or trust. Please do not be afraid to tell a professional what happened to you.

Now, I want to talk about a few simple things that apply to everyone no matter your gender, orientation, age, or experience level.

Number 1: RESPECT

Respect is CRUCIAL when it comes to sex, and it’s equally important to have respect for yourself and your partner. When you’re young and you’re still discovering your own likes and limitations, respect for yourself is what will allow you to say NO or STOP. When someone does something you don’t like you need to voice your thoughts and feelings. At the same time, respect for your partner means stopping when they, themselves, say no or stop. Respect yourself because you are a beautiful human being worthy of respect, and respect your partner because, uh, hello! They’re letting you have sex with them which is pretty fucking awesome!

Number 2: COMMUNICATION

Communication really is key when it comes to having a positive experience. You both need to remember that you are not the only one in the room! I know that it would be easier if your partner could just read your mind and kiss or lick or touch that certain part of your body that makes your toes curl but they can’t. So just tell them!! 

Speaking openly and honestly is very difficult, but trust me. If you overcome that fear and you tell your partner exactly what you want, nine times out of 10 YOU. WILL. GET. WHAT. YOU. WANT! Your toes will curl and you’ll bite your lip and your partner is going to feel like a superhero because they just made you feel better than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. 

Furthermore, great sex requires intimacy and connection. Two people can bump and grind all they want, but if they’re not connecting on an emotional level then the sex is only ever going to run skin deep.

Number 3: HONESTY

Honesty is another important part of an enjoyable sex life. Obviously, it’s important to be honest with your partner if you have an S.T.I. I understand it’s embarrassing, and there is a chance they may not want to sleep with you, but it’s the LAW! 

First and foremost it’s important, to be honest about your intentions. We need to stop promising each other the moon when we only plan on hittin’ and quittin’. If you want a relationship then be honest about that. Don’t pretend to be okay with just fooling around. If you want to see other people then be honest about that. We are all vulnerable to heartbreak when we share ourselves with another person. But if we are all honest about our intentions before sleeping with each other we can avoid a lot of tears.

Colin Murphy

Colin is a 32-year-old Professional Writing student currently in his second year at Algonquin College. Colin was born and raised in Newfoundland, but he has travelled around the world. Colin taught English in Guangzhou, China, backpacked across Europe, partied in Las Vegas, skied the Rockies and swam the beaches of Cuba and Mexico. He has worked and lived in six Canadian provinces and driven a transport truck across the ice roads under the northern lights of the Northwest Territories. He loves to laugh and sing, and write about himself in the third person!