Nostalgia and Memories
/Do you need memories in order to be nostalgic?
The default answer to that question for most folks would be yes. After all, how can you be nostalgic for something you have no memory of? Yet my own memories, or lack thereof, causes me to think that the answer is far less black and white than it appears to be.
I have a condition called Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory (SDAM). It is a syndrome that describes the lifelong inability to use a type of memory called episodic memory. It isn’t a sign of brain damage or dementia — it simply means that I can’t remember things in the same way other folks do.
But what is episodic memory?
Whenever people use their memory consciously to think back upon something, there are two types of memories that they use.
Episodic memory is when you remember things in a first-person perspective. It’s the memory that lets you live out your past and relive your memories. This is the type of memory I’m lacking with SDAM.
Semantic memory is the memory that holds onto your general knowledge of things. It’s the memory that helps you study for tests and remember facts and figures. It can be used to piece together your day if you’re unable to rely on episodic memory. This type of memory I have plenty of.
I’m going to dive into my personal experiences now, so if you have any questions about SDAM that I didn’t cover above, click here.
What’s it like having SDAM?
My mom on her 56th birthday. We celebrated at Casino Du Lac Leamy, which was her favourite casino.
Having SDAM often makes me feel like I’m an outsider in my own life. If I were to write an autobiography, it would be full of blanks and question marks.
On the right, I have a picture of the last birthday I celebrated with my mom. For most folks, this would be memorable, especially since she passed away the following year.
So what do I recall about that evening?
Well, we were supposed to go on a cruise funded by my mom’s work that coincided with her birthday. The so-called “cruise” ended up being a dinky little boat and we all refused to go on it. After a bit of disappointment, we decided to salvage the night and went to the casino. We had dinner and then we enjoyed some lighthearted gambling.
This makes it sound like I remember a lot about that evening, but truly I don’t. I wouldn’t have even recalled what I told you without the picture as a reference – my semantic memory would have failed me without the prompting.
Despite my best efforts, I can’t remember more. I couldn’t tell you how the boat looked, just that it was too small. I don’t recall what anybody was wearing or what they said that evening. I certainly don’t remember that chocolate cake. Where my episodic memory should be, there’s nothing but a few vague feelings to go along with my knowledge of the evening.
And yet, I feel nostalgic for that day.
Too bad my villagers don’t love my casino as much as I do. it’s almost always empty.
Despite my lack of concrete memories, I have a warm fuzzy feeling when I think back on that day. I have a nostalgic feeling towards the casino because it reminds me of my mom, back when she was happy and healthy. I even made a little casino in my Animal Crossing: New Horizons island as a way to remember that day as best I could.
My theory is that episodic memories are simply a way to easily prompt nostalgia. You can’t be nostalgic for something that you’ve never experienced, sure, but the type of memory that triggers nostalgia doesn’t necessarily need to be episodic.
Have you ever smelled a scent that you could swear seems familiar, but you can’t quite remember where it’s from? Or have you hummed a song, the name of which is on the tip of your tongue? That’s what nostalgia feels like to me. It’s this longing to go back to a time, a time that I can’t quite remember but miss all the same.
Emma Cayen
Emma is in her final year in the Professional Writing program at Algonquin. Looking forward to her future in the writing world, she even finds herself dreaming of plot bunnies in her sleep. Emma also enjoys beating her sister at a good game of Mario Party, well as spending time with her beloved cat George.
