Orange is the New Water

By Allyson Knappers

Ottawa, ON – Following several complaints by Canadian citizens claiming current water is too “boring” and “mainstream,” the Harper government has decided to spice things up by releasing new orange flavoured fluoride into the water supplies in most Canadian cities. Harper government officials have said they are pledging tasty water for all. The first batch of orange fluoride is set to be released into the City of Ottawa’s water supply around November of 2013.

When asked about the safety risks associated with releasing fluoride into Canadian water supplies, officials have responded: “the government stands by its decision to fluoridate water, that is here to stay and we just want to make Canadians happy. Orange is a popular flavour amongst Canadians, and we knew there were demands for more flavourful water. Also fluoride helps fight tooth decay and so we’re really just concerned with the safety of Canadians. Also oranges are just a great source of vitamins, and overall we just want to ensure that Canadians receive all necessary tools to improve their overall health and safety.” When asked why the government did not consider maple syrup, which has become almost a national symbol, for the flavour, officials responded, “Maple syrup flavoured water? That’s disgusting!”

The announcement of the impending release is getting mixed reviews in the Ottawa community. Some residents are very pro-orange, while others are unhappy about the Canadian Government’s decision. A recent poll asked participants what they thought of the orange movement and the results were as follows: 35% of Canadians said they are unhappy about it, 33% of Canadians said they are pro-orange and 32% of Canadians said they just don’t care.

Oscar Bridges, an Ottawa resident has said he is very unhappy with the government’s orange fluoride release. When questioned about this, Bridges stated that he is not afraid of the safety risks associated with the fluoride but rather that he has a strong aversion to orange flavouring in general. He’s quoted saying, “I don’t care about fluoridation and the science and all that junk. I just hate orange, always have and always will. Now, if it were grape flavouring that we were talking about I think the citizens of Ottawa would be a lot better off.”

Bridges is now starting a campaign entitled, “Go Grape.” In starting the new movement, he is hopeful that other Canadian citizens will join him in the fight for the freedom to choose what flavor of fluoride is put in Canadian water supplies. He’s hoping to attract a large enough following for government officials to reconsider their decision.

The announcement of the impending fluoride release has prompted a new saying amongst Canadians: “Orange is the new water.”