Welcome to Cage Match, where I review bad Nicolas Cage movies in 100 words or less, while simultaneously sorting them into one of three categories: "so bad it's good," "so bad it's just bad," and '"so bad it's boring."

Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch is incredibly generic in a fantasy B-movie way, prominently featuring the common staples of boring sword fights and terrible CGI. Somehow the film manages to create surprisingly little tension, despite plentiful action sequences; I can’t recall ever caring about any of the characters enough to be worried when they were in danger. While it is boring, Season of the Witch has so little going for it that it ends up just being bad.

Do yourself a favour - don’t watch this movie. There are so many more enjoyable bad movies out there.

RATING: SO BAD IT’S BAD

Con Air

Featuring a surprisingly star-studded cast that includes John Malkovich, Steve Buscemi and John Cusack, Con Air is an odd film.

The best part of the movie is probably the dialogue - some of Nicolas Cage’s most infamous movie quotes are from this film, such as “put the bunny back in the box” and “my mamma lives in a trailer." What’s more, Cage’s bizarre and terrible accent makes his ridiculous lines even more enjoyable.

While the film is occasionally boring, it’s definitely strange enough to be enjoyable. If you’re into absurd prison-escape movies, you’ll love Con Air.

RATING: SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Firebirds

Sometimes movies are so generic that they become a parody of themselves, and somehow end up being good. Firebirds is not one of those movies.

Firebirds is incredibly boring. While it’s not as boring as, say, Left Behind, watching it was a struggle. What makes it even worse is the fact that it utterly fails to bring anything interesting to the table; the plot is simplistic and uninteresting, the dialogue is a mess comprised largely of poorly phrased one-liners, and the acting is so wooden you could build a fence with it.

In summary, Firebirds is bad. Don’t watch it.

RATING: SO BAD IT’S BORING

Interested in furthering your education on the terrible films of Nicolas Cage? Check out this trailer for one of his upcoming movies, Army of One. In this writer’s humble opinion, it looks magnificently horrible. 

Sharon van Wyngaarden

Sharon van Wyngaarden is a student in the Professional Writing program at Algonquin College. She enjoys taking long walks, drinking tea, and reading a good book. She also loves spending time with friends – especially if it means subjecting them to the torment that is watching terrible Nicolas Cage movies.

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