The Stench of 343

The last decade has seen 343 Industries inflict unimaginable horrors upon the Halo universe: from the hated Prometheans to the massacre of Halo’s once iconic art style, 343 has thoroughly ravaged this once beautiful and immaculate franchise.

None of these, however, can stack up to the atrocity that is the Spartan-IV program.

Widely seen as the face of 343-era Halo, the IVs have spent the last decade urinating all over not only the legacy of the previous generations of Spartans, but of Bungie-era Halo.

Sheer Hubris

In the words of Tywin Lannister, “Any man who must say ‘I am the king’ is no true king.” Clearly the IVs have yet to learn that lesson, if Halo 4’s Spartan Ops is any indication. If you took a shot every time Palmer says the word “Spartan” or “Spartans”, you’d likely send your liver into the fourth dimension.

“Commander” Sarah Palmer, Dalton, Miller, Fireteam Majestic — these are all children who play at being soldiers in their parents’ backyard. This isn’t my opinion, this is something that is plain to see from the way they conduct themselves, both on the field and off duty.

Palmer doesn’t even carry a rank, she’s just called “Commander” despite the fact that she doesn’t “command” anything. Oh wait, actually (and this is something explained in expanded universe material, so thanks Halopedia) she does carry a rank! Not a real rank, mind you, but she carries the newly made-up rank of Spartan. And you know what the kicker is? So does every single Spartan-IV in existence. So, what exactly qualifies Palmer to “command” the Spartan-IVs? Don’t know!

To make their generation of super soldiers feel special, 343 decided to create an entirely new branch of the UNSC for the Spartans, literally just called Spartan Operations. In the process of doing this to the previously logical and realistically portrayed UNSC, someone in the writing room had a stroke and accidentally removed all semblance of rank and hierarchy from the Spartans. So, now we’re left with an entire military branch (consisting of about 300-500 members) which is somehow organized around soldiers who are literally all equal to each other.

Right…

We Were ODST

Anybody remember the ODSTs? The Helljumpers? Those crazy SOBs who’d be dropped behind enemy lines from orbit in these defenseless little pods? I know I do, and by the prophets do I ever miss them.

While the ODSTs technically still exist within Halo canon, they’ve not been seen in any mainline game since Halo: Reach, since they’ve essentially been made obsolete by the Spartan-IVs.

The ODSTs were so cool, and so beloved, because they were normal people who did these insane things; they didn’t have hyper advanced power armor to protect them, nor did they possess any physical augmentations. All they had was their courage, their training, their rifles, and each other; and they got the job done, because they were mean, green, killing machines.

They were ODST.

But don’t worry, at least the Spartan-IVs can ground pound rocks really hard — some real heroes we’ve got on our hands now.

The Safe Spartans

The IVs are just adults who are picked from the branches of the UNSC. That’s it. The augmentations are not as extensive as the IIs, but they’re safe. I feel like I don’t even need to explain how boring that is. We went from 12-year-old kids being able to kill Elites with their bare hands to grown adults who throw temper tantrums and punch things when  they don’t get their way.

The Spartans also used to evoke a strong sense of myth, of being literal living legends. Spartans Never Die was the old phrase used in-universe during the Bungie days, and it was awesome. It made you imagine how the marines must have felt upon seeing a Spartan in the flesh — tall, imposing, and utterly invincible.

But there’s nothing invincible about the IVs, save their ineptitude, their unprofessionalism, their entitlement and their arrogance. They are regularly disrespectful to the marines and to their legendary predecessors. They throw around the word “Spartan” at every opportunity, seemingly in a vain attempt at appearing fearsome or noble, when they are anything but.

All of this, and so much more, is why the Spartan-IVs suck.

Kyle Michaud

Kyle is an aspiring writer at Algonquin College’s Professional Writing Program. Bad (but great) at Halo, comedian, and plays guitar sometimes.