Dry Humour With Three Olives

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Sunglasses

The First Child
by Yushra Khodabocus
What happens when a first child gets tired of being number one? 

Hipsters Under Fire for Cultural Appropriation
by Joseph Fitzgerald
Hipstirring up trouble

OC Transpo Raises Prices to Fund Time Travel Research
by Rob Sullivan
The next logical step in public transit

Going the Extra Mile
by Stephane Moisan
Life going nowhere? Tread carefully

Ignorance Is Bliss
by Gennifer Taggart
Authoritarianism trumps all

Reality Trumps Reality TV
by Nicholas Wrixon-Wood
Reality is the best entertainment

No Trump and No Shout for HilLIARy
by Tiffany Cuddy
Is it 2020 yet?

Nicolas Cage Builds Secret Moon Base, Giant Death Ray
by Sharon Van Wyngaarden
It's the end of the world and Nicolas Cage is still smiling

Ronald McDonald Announces Retirement
by Sam Chilton
McDonald's quits clowning around

The Consultant
by Sean Stone
A dispatch from Silvanus Urban, the world’s foremost consulting service

Graffiti

Hipsters Under Fire for Cultural Appropriation

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Hipsters Under Fire for Cultural Appropriation

OTTAWA—As music festival season comes to a close, a certain faction of Millennials known as “hipsters” are being called out for cultural appropriating the long-standing traditions of lumberjacks, skateboarders, and bicycle enthusiasts.

“They’ve been right under our beards the whole time,” says Glen McDonald, member of the Lumberjack Association of Canada, and one-time festival-goer, “but this summer really proved that they’re getting out of hand.”

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Nicolas Cage Builds Secret Moon Base, Giant Death Ray

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Nicolas Cage Builds Secret Moon Base, Giant Death Ray

“People don’t think I’m in on the joke, but I’ll show them.”

Nicolas Cage stands in front of the window that dominates the eastern wall of his office, looking out at the desolate landscape of the Mare Imbrium, one of the Moon’s biggest seas. On the glass swim the reflections of the six Mako sharks that dwell in the gigantic aquarium behind Cage.

He turns and flashes me one of his trademark, wide-eyed grins. “I’ll show them all.”

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No Trump and No Shout for HilLIARy

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No Trump and No Shout for HilLIARy

We all have that one thing that scares us to death, whether it be bad grades or horrifying phobias. Alas, this year there has been one thing that has scared me far more, and that is the presidential election. Because I live in Canada, I couldn’t care less about the American government or their next president. It’s all one giant farce and it came down to the two biggest morons ever seen running, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. With the way this went, a dog would have been better suited for president. Seriously, I think a dog would have been a far better option than anyone, especially the two dunces. However, this is getting out of hand, and because I like to go to the U.S for vacations, not only am I concerned, I am also horrified.

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Going the extra mile

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Going the extra mile

Environment Canada is predicting a harsh winter - and Canadians are bracing themselves for it in an ingenious new way. With the Trudeau government at the helm, and the economy left to balance itself out , Canadians are forced to tighten the drawstrings on money pouches tighter and tighter.

Instead of going south this year, Canadians are turning to sports equipment, but not just any type: treadmills. This has turned the retail industry on its head. Now industry giants like Sport Check are training needed staff and expanding their locations to get on this gravy train.

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The First Child

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The First Child

Let’s just face it, all eldest siblings out there, being the oldest sibling of the family can make you go one of the only two possible ways: the responsible or the bratty. Now there is no going two ways in this. You are always the one that should set the example to your younger brother and sister, like washing your hands before dinner. However, it is not always easy living under expectations or assuming responsibilities of your younger sibling’s mistakes forced on you as the oldest. The rebellion as a result of those pressures will of course translate into even more pressure from the parents. Because, hey, you only get parenthood once and you should delegate your adult responsibilities as much as you can. That being said, the more kids, the merrier. That will be the time when parents bring in the nanny once a week for a date night. Yeah, what about family then, huh?  When it’s time to go to expensive dinners at expensive restaurants, then Mom is like ‘you’re too young still’ but then a couple of years later it changes to ‘how about you stay at home and take care of your brother and sister instead? Won’t you show Mom and dad how smart and responsible you are?’

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OC Transpo Raises Prices to Fund Time Travel Research

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OC Transpo Raises Prices to Fund Time Travel Research

This morning, OC Transpo announced that, starting in July, it will be increasing its fares in an effort to fund its latest endeavour: future-facing research on time travel. The company ensures riders that the price hike will be minor, and will not impact their ability to take transit—the current estimate sits at an increase of 24.3 per cent. OC Transpo believes that, by partnering with the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), it can unlock the secrets of time travel to guarantee transit punctuality.

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Reality Trumps Reality TV

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Reality Trumps Reality TV

I check the clock and realize I have five minutes before my new favorite show starts. I reach into the cupboard and shuffle around until I find a bag of popcorn, stuffed at the back, underneath a half-eaten box of cereal. With only a single bag of popcorn remaining, I make note of the location of the cereal box, I may be back for it.

I slap the bag in the microwave and punch the timer for a minute and 54 seconds, the ideal time for this brand. I pour a couple sodas and add ice for myself and my family, regular for myself and diet for my folks. I peek my head around the corner of the kitchen and ask, “Has it started yet?”

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Ronald McDonald Announces Retirement

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Ronald McDonald Announces Retirement

Ronald McDonald announces retirement in light of creepy clown phenomenon and “Corporate Accountability nagging”

October 11th, 2016 (ILLINOIS, USA) – McDonald’s figurehead Ronald McDonald addressed company CEOs, friends, and a few lucky members of the press this Tuesday afternoon about his plans to resign. McDonald says he has been publicly shamed in light of the creepy clown incidents sweeping the US, citing one instance where a mistaken woman beat him with his own novelty-size shoes as the final straw.

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The Consultant

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The Consultant

Listen, I’m not sure how this happened but it did. Not that I was embarrassed. But, it’s always a shock when your work is in the news. It’s not as though I doubted the quality of my services. I mean, I had more than proved myself in that sticky business with Elon Musk. He came to me and said not to believe a word I read in the papers. He told me SpaceX was insolvent. There was no money in rockets. Even cool ones that landed. Sure, he had been fudging the numbers to make it look good but he was out of pocket just to keep the lights on.

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