Who likes pizza?

Personally, I don`t know a single person who doesn’t like pizza. Add to the fact that I could eat pizza for a couple days in a row, and now you know how I feel about them. But, oh mighty Pizza Gods, what should be found on a pizza?

Pizza toppings are sacred; pepperoni, cheese, pizza sauce, and more cheese. These are normal pizza toppings. A bit bland so let`s keep going!

Bacon, cheese, peppers, and onions are some more great pizza toppings. If you want to stretch the limits, then head towards the meat section by adding chicken, pork, or ham… but add mushrooms and green olives — you`re pushing it — and you have obviously hit as far as pizza toppings should go.

Yet, there are a few psychopaths who defy the mighty Pizza Gods and directly attack them with these sickening toppings. Wondering what these toppings may be? I’m warning you this one time only; proceed at your own risk.

Still here? Good, now we can fully assault these Pizza Desecrators and reveal the most disgusting, revolting, insulting, and put simply, worst pizza toppings to have ever existed.

Let’s start with an easy one for those of you with a weak stomach: pineapple. I mean, who puts pineapple on pizza?! It’s a fruit! Not a pizza topping! The acidic properties of the pineapple itself should be able to dissuade you from putting it on pizza. Don`t you want to taste the pizza?

With pineapple out of the way, have you ever thought or planned to put shrimps or anchovies on your pizza? Don`t. The pizza isn`t found in the aquarium, neither is it meant for an aquarium date or party. Come on, people. Seafood on pizza is like eating a hamburger, but instead of having the patty, you`d find water floating there waiting to be eaten. It just doesn`t work. And the seafood on the pizza — it just doesn`t look or taste good. Just makes me want to throw the pizza out.

Alright, before we continue, I do feel responsible and required to warn you one last time. I know, I said I wouldn`t warn you again, but these last two might have you running for the closest garbage can.

We talked about seafood and pineapple on pizza. But, do you know what would be worse? Canned. Tuna. Fish. You want seafood at it’s worst, (I don`t even know if that can still be called seafood at this point), but canned tuna fish is your answer. This monstrosity smells horrible and if you ask me, and many others, it tastes just as bad, if not worse. Now slap that onto a pizza and you’ve got a recipe meant for the garbage can to devour. Nobody wants canned foods on their pizza, much less canned tuna fish, so keep that crap at the back of your cupboard, ya’ lunatic!

Yet, there’s one last item that even a lunatic wouldn`t dare put on their pizza. A single piece of food that only a psychopathic sociopath would utilize as a pizza topping. This item, is none other than — an egg. Cue the thunder and lightning. I mean what kind of person desecrates a pizza by letting an egg, scrambled or over-easy, doesn`t matter, slide onto their pizza and pose a pizza topping!? Who could even think of doing that?! I hope that nobody reading this ever has to witness this atrocity in person, or ever does this to the sacred pizza.

Now, if you ask me, if I ever saw someone putting any of these toppings on a pizza, you`d see me running in the opposite direction. But, in the world that we live in, I know that some people prefer to have these toppings on their pizza, and I respect that. Just make sure that you have the good ones on there too. Otherwise, I’ll make sure to stay far away when you eat your pizza.

Zackary Brunet is a year 2 Professional Writing student who adores reading and writing. An aspiring novelist, Zack can be found hiding in his room, headphones on with music blaring, his fingers typing away on his computer`s keyboard. If you can`t find him there, look for his gaming set-up, or look for his secret stash of food, and you`ll be sure to find him.