Shakespeare is probably rolling over in his grave right about now

Whether you have fond memories of having to read Shakespeare in high school, or you have dread, you have memories nonetheless of being assigned to read his work. For the rare few who have not needed Shakespeare in order to pass English class, this post is not for you – and wow, how did you manage to get away with that?

His work came to be considered classics (I’m sure if he was alive today, he would be thrilled). However, I find that once you break down the plots, they always seem quite simplistic and, dare I say, a little boring *cue the gasps of every English teacher*.

Here is my ranking of best to worst based on what I had to read in high school.

1. Hamlet

We have to give this win to none other than Hamlet. You really can’t go wrong with an all-knowing spooky ghost, good old-fashioned revenge and family drama. Not to mention insanity, oh the insanity, a bunch of epic sword fighting and a whole lot of poison and murder. And we can’t forget about the iconic questioning of life and death. All in all, Hamlet shapes up to be probably the only redeeming Shakespearean play I’ve ever read. I have very little complaints in terms of overall plot and general ridiculousness. Some questionable takes on mental health, but overall, I’m not mad. 

I grant thee 8/10. 

2. Macbeth

Speaking of murder, Macbeth comes in second place. No all-knowing ghost, but instead we have three all-knowing witches. Macbeth wants to be top dog, and he’s under the impression he can be, so he murders a lot of people in the name of power. Lady Macbeth is all for the murdering, as any supportive wife would be. Although, she disappears for a while after the beginning. I have this suspicion that Shakespeare forgot about her mid play and in order to make ends meet, kills her off – because what’s another death to this play?

Needless to say, not a lot of characters survive and there’s a very questionable “gotcha” moment at the end. A word to the wise, caesarean section is still the act of being born from a woman, but hey, you do you Shakespeare! He sure did love his technicalities, didn’t he? I don’t know if I would consider Macbeth to be a bloody good time, but I will consider it a bloody okay time – nonetheless it comes in second, and second isn’t the worst.

I grant thee 6/10.

3. Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet – forbidden love at its finest! Boy and girl fall madly in love, but their families despise each other and forbid marriage. The Montagues and the Capulet’s did the olden times equivalent of “as long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules”. And of course, Romeo and Juliet decided, well, not to. But I guess you do anything in the name of true love. Even if that means faking your own death in order to fool your parents, therefore allowing you to then sneak away with your husband – of course the kicker being not telling your husband your genius plan beforehand. Perhaps Romeo might’ve checked her pulse first?

If I’ve learned anything from Romeo and Juliet, it’s to not believe fake news. And maybe also to not get married as young as thirteen, but hey, to each their own – and I understand it was the cool thing to do back then. 

Side note: who else remembers watching the 1968 movie adaptation and thinking, Zac Efron?

I grant thee 4.5/10.  

4. Merchant of Venice

That’s right. The only comedy on this list (aka the one with no deaths) is the worst one. Anti-Semitic stereotypes in the plot aside, we need to discuss the atrocity that is the character Portia. Her fiancé Bassanio has to leave town to go help a friend out in court. Before he leaves, she gives him this ring and tells him essentially that if he loves her, he will not give up this ring.

She then dresses up as a man and pretends to be a lawyer’s apprentice in order to help the friend of Bassanio (without his knowledge) and ends up winning the case for him.

Seems nice and selfless enough, right? Well, then afterward a very grateful Bassanio asks what he can do to repay this lawyer’s apprentice. A disguised Portia then pressures him into giving her the ring as a test.

Long story short: Portia is petty. Although, I guess I’d be petty too if my father controlled my love life, even from the beyond. 

I grant thee 3/10. 

Parting is such sweet relief (no sorrow here, folks)

Safe to say, I don’t miss analyzing Shakespeare.

My sincerest apologies to English majors, teachers and enthusiasts alike.

Natasha Lanceman

A uOttawa social sciences graduate and a second year professional writing student at Algonquin College. Will gladly edit or look over your work if you ask her to. Enjoys anthropological non-fiction, black and white films and music that makes you feel something. Always caffeinated and probably conveys ideas much better on paper.